The following is David Letterman's foreward to the second collection of Top Ten Lists, published in 1991.
You'll get a kick out of this. The other night after dinner, I'm watching television, trying to relax at the end of a long, hard day. They're showing this program starring that very popular blond actress who plays a curvaceous college coed with a great deal of sex appeal who lives with six football players, all of whom have a romantic interest in her. The only reason the landlord lets these guys live there is because he believes they are actually mental patients -- you know, insane -- and she is their nurse or something. But of course it's all just pretend so they can stay there for really cheap rent. It's very comical. Anyway, I'm enjoying this program and all of a sudden my wife, Linda, says, "You pay more attention to that television actress than you do to me." Well now, frankly, this is old news. And that's exactly what I tell Linda. I say, "Linda, it's old news." And then I add the scorcher. I say, "You know, Linda, we've been to the moon." Because by now, this is also old news. Well, then Linda's mother starts in on me. Please don't get me wrong, I love the old gal. But, frankly, if, God forbid, she died tomorrow, St. Peter would really have his hands full with the yak, yak, yak! So anyway, she says, "I didn't raise my daughter just so you could make smart remarks about her." And without thinking, I shoot back, "Well, I didn't buy that couch so an overweight relative could flatten the cushions out of shape by sitting on it all day." Well, I think you get the picture of how things are going at my house.
So anyway, Tuesday, I gotta fly to Detroit. Now God bless the airlines, they do a marvelous job, but come on, why are they always late? The last time I flew we were supposed to take off at 4:10 P.M. Now at 4:30 we still had not left the gate. I said to the stewdardess, "Honey, what's the deal?" She shoots back kind of smart-alecky, "The pilot is waiting for some violent thunderstorm activity to clear the area." Violent thunderstorms? I say to myself, "She's a regular Willard Scott." So what can you do? Life is crazy and if I live to be 100 I'll never figure it out. Like those wackos in Washington. Or should I say, our distinguished Congress. I tell people, "You want to see a comedy show, put some cameras in Congress. Then you'll see some comedy." And now I see where these geniuses voted themselves a raise. Hey, didn't they just get a raise? But I'll tell you one thing in all seriousness. If that Berlin Wall hadn't come down, there could have been real trouble. So I think President Bush did a marvelous job on that one.
Let me just say one thing about Madonna and all her Truth or Dare stuff. Truth or Dare? The truth is, who cares? Have you seen this? Now they have these Madonna Wannabees. That's great! Just what we need!
I have the worst luck. The other day my wife and I are in the market and I pick out a can of soup. Just my luck, it's the only can of soup in the whole place that doesn't have a price on it. So what happens? The checkout kid gets on the P.A. and says, "Price check on a can of soup." Great! Now the whole market knows I'm buying soup. Just what I need. Well, like I said, that's the kind of luck I have. I don't think the kid meant any harm or anything. I don't think he even knew what he was doing really. When we got home, Linda and I had a pretty good laugh about it, but at the time, I'll be honest with you, I was steamed.
Do you have any stories like this? If you do, we'd love to read them. And, if we print one of your stories we'll send you fifty dollars. That's right, fifty dollars. Well, good luck and get going.