Laffs with Giraffes

I saw this at my local bookseller tonight and ended up purchasing it. I didn't want to -- it's a smidge pricey -- but I couldn't help it: it was just too gorgeous and hilarious to resist. It's wonderfully designed in the style of a children's nonfiction picturebook from the sixties. The book's full of photos and diagrams and charts and pie graphs, all of which are completely crazy and hilarious. They supplement the text, which is also crazy and hilarious. Honestly, this is one of the funniest books I've ever read. I'm pretty sure the whole thing was written by Dave Eggers and his brother Toph. Here's an excerpt:


Giraffes like to be where the action is, which is why most of them currently live in Terre Haute, Indiana. Through the years giraffes have moved many times, as a group, always using escalators. That is, when they decide to move to another locale, the Team of Giraffe Engineers sets to work designing and building a giant escalator which will take them from their current home to their next home. This designing and building process can take up to ten years, which means that they have to be very sure about where they are moving.

Many years ago, the giraffes settled in Atlanta, which is known to most people as Hotlanta! But there were too many muskrats and six-fingered people in Hotlanta, and they soon moved to Columbus, Ohio. Columbus was indeed a very exciting place, and had many of the things they love -- grass, people wearing pink shirts, and plenty of ceiling fans -- but it didn't have one thing they were looking for -- a zip code that started with the numbers 4780.

So they moved to Terre Haute, Indiana (zip code: 47801), considered by most people to be the most exciting place on this planet or any other.


1. It is not in Micronesia.
2. Its name starts with an "I" and ends with an "A."
3. It has two "N"s in its name, and this is always good luck.
4. There are no Gila Monsters there, nor are there the nephews of Lee Iacocca (see p. 19) or anyone named Matthew Perry.
5. People always flush.

Terre Haute is known for many things, including buildings made of wood and ground made of dirt. It is widely believed that Terre Haute was founded in 1954 by a gigantic talking tree named Stuart. However, extensive research completed by myself, Dr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey, has determined that Terre Haute was actually built, in just over three weeks, by a team of crocodiles, all named Penelope and all lovers of sorbet. These crocodiles also loved country music, but not the kind played by people with gel in their hair.

Giraffes are not nocturnal, and do not like night, at all. This is why most giraffes live in houses where the lights are on twenty-four hours a day. They like to sit under ceiling fans, while eating sorbet and talking about ceiling fans and sorbet.

Is that all I can tell you about Giraffe Habitat? No, that is not all. I have 1,303 pages about Giraffe Habitat, and want to share it all with you, but I will not. I am not in the mood so just don't ask again. I'm serious. Don't look at me with that questioning look. Really, stop it. And wipe your mouth -- you've still got toothpaste all over it. Can't you keep the toothpaste on your teeth? Didn't anyone ever teach you how to do that? Go get an umbrella and ten yards of rope and I'll teach you how to properly brush your teeth. Go!

Click here (or on the book) for purchasing information.